To have a healthy and happy marriage, both spouses must commit. However, even if you and your partner have drifted apart and need a divorce, there are ways to work through the conflict and differences. To achieve a positive outcome, both parties must try to reconcile their differences.
How Can Marriage Be Saved?
Every couple’s situation is different and unique, whether it’s a lack of communication or an affair. That being said, if you follow the advice of experts, including self-care and couples therapy, there is hope for reconciliation. According to Dr. John Gottman, is it wise to avoid “the four horsemen” or other indicators that he believes could predict the demise of any relationship?
In relationships, the four horsemen are:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
If you’re serious about saving your marriage, here are some tips on how to save your marriage: Avoid the four horsemen and seek the help of a couples therapist if you find yourself in a situation where you’re unable to resolve a problem on your own, or if you find yourself in a situation where you’re unable to communicate effectively.
10 Tips on How to Save your Marriage
Be Kind When Discussing a Conflict of Interest
Many couples get into heated debates and exchange insults even over the tiniest details. They may argue over dirty dishes, but this isn’t usually the focus of the argument. Most of the time, it is more about how the issue was brought up, the context in which it was discussed, and the meaning attached to it.
When it comes to dirty dishes, there are two approaches:
- “Why can’t you empty the damn sink?! Is it because you think you have a maid here? You are so lazy. I am tired of you.”
- “Can you please wash the dishes? I appreciate all the hard work you do around the house. Thank you for being so helpful.”
The truth is that the way we say things can quickly reopen old wounds in our partners—damages we may not even be aware of. The other person can soon feel attacked, criticized, belittled, and unloved in a simple statement like the one above. Be kind when approaching or discussing conflict, and learn to fight fair when there are differences of opinion in your relationship if you love someone.
Give Each Other Space
Allowing your partner some breathing room after an argument is crucial, and I can’t stress this enough. Understanding when your partner needs space and time apart is not the same as knowing when to take a break. You should respect their decision to come back and finish the conversation at a convenient time and date for them.
Listen With Empathy
You will be able to understand your spouse if you listen to what they say. This usually happens when they feel that you understand their point of view. You don’t have to agree with your spouse to validate their feelings; you have to be able to put yourself in their shoes.
Be Gentle With Your Spouse
Observing how gentle we can be with others but not our partner is fascinating. Despite your anger, you’re more likely to say something like, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it; I’ll clean it up,” if a friend or someone you admire walks into your new car and spills Gatorade on your new seat. Why is it so much easier to be gentle with other people but not our spouses? Analyze the emotions elicited by asking yourself this question.
Self-awareness is the Key.
It may seem as if your spouse is an expert at pointing out your flaws, but the truth is that only you know exactly how you are feeling. Self-awareness is a process that requires time and effort, but it can help you make better decisions. You can only gain complete control over your emotions by taking the time to examine your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Be aware of your feelings, try to put a name to them, and then accept them. There is no such thing as a destructive emotion, only bad decisions.
See for the Positives
Make an effort to notice and appreciate your partner’s positive traits and actions daily. Actively seeking a positive sentiment, according to Dr. Gottman, can significantly alter how you react to negativity. You’ll always find faults if you keep looking for them because our brains are wired to find them. You’ll also see positive traits and actions if you’re looking for them on purpose.
Know When to Take a Break
When you recognize your own emotions, you’ll be able to step away from an argument and clear your head. Your spouse should be understanding if you take a few minutes to cool down. Don’t worry about it if you don’t return after 10 minutes. Don’t waste that time trying to out-argue your opponent; instead, take a few deep breaths, relax, and clear your head. Make sure you remember that relationships are more important than being correct.
Stay Away From Criticism
A positive outcome will never be achieved by criticizing your spouse. Good intentions can easily lead to erroneous results because no one likes to feel attacked. Many couples who have been in therapy for a long time say how wonderful it is to feel heard and validated by their spouse. Use “I” statements whenever possible and express your needs and feelings explicitly.
Seek Couples Therapy
It is possible to get help in person or online at any time of day or night. Many therapists can now offer secure video sessions or other virtual options. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, even if it’s uncomfortable, because it could be the only thing that saves your marriage. If you and your partner need help to find what works best for you, you may want to seek the advice of a couples counselor.
Choosing Therapy is an online resource that helps you find therapists in your area based on factors like proximity to your home, price range, and other criteria.
Practice Self-Care
The harmony of your relationship depends on you taking care of your own needs. You marry to have someone to share your life with — your joy, love, aspirations, and dreams. But how can you share those things if you don’t have them yourself? It’s up to you to make yourself happy; no one else can do it for you. Do more of the things that bring you happiness. Put together a list of activities that will help you recharge. It could include getting your hair done, relaxing in the garden, reading a book, or anything else on your to-do list. We will be more emotionally available to our spouses if we take better care of ourselves.
Final Thoughts
There is always hope for your marriage. Reconciliation is possible anytime, and it’s never too late to get back together and have a healthy relationship. Physical or emotional abuse is an exception. The best option is to leave rather than continue to inflict pain on yourself by remaining.
